In 2010 I experienced my “first love”. He professed his love to me, told me he wanted to marry me someday, then quickly broke my heart because there was “a lot of chaos in [his] head” and he needed to work it all out. (I’m 99.98% certain that that “chaos” means he is gay. And so are 100% of my friends who met him.) So alas, my first love was lost, and I was left in a state of hurt, confusion, and WTF just happened.
After heavy drinking lost its comforting effect on me, I decided to do something to make me feel better about myself instead of just something to make me feel better. So I joined OkCupid. It looked alright — loads better than the creeptastic Zoosk dating site — and it looked as though there might be some quality guys on there who would make me feel special, desired, and appreciated. Well I was right about guys who would make me feel desired…in an I-may-need-to-file-a-restraining-order-against-these-guys kind of way. One guy, a psychology PhD candidate, said that based on my profile, I care too much about what others think of me and that I’m insecure. Yeah, that’ll get you a front row ticket into my pants buddy.
I discovered quickly that OkCupid should require psychiatric “fit for dating” assessments, because these guys have no idea what they’re doing. That’s when I decided to do something about it. In an effort to educate the online-dating challenged (and to humor myself by humiliating these guys’ AWFUL attempts at winning my affection), I started this blog, in which I will break down each message I receive in my inbox and outline: 1) what the guy did wrong; 2) how I interpreted what he said; and 3) what he should have said instead (all sprinkled with sarcasm). I am doing this in the hopes that somewhere out there, guys will take these cues and learn to make a positive first impression online.
*Please note that any form of identification has been changed to protect the identity of the sender. However, all quoted messages are (sadly) unedited.
And ladies, if you would like to send me your horrible online dating experiences for a breakdown on here, feel free! The more these guys know, the better.
